Fear and Loathing

On the Inspire site, a site for "advanced breast cancer" patient (survivor? Metavivor???) support a number of posts or discussions have been up lately about sex and husbands...well, one was about a husband of a late stage cancer patient who was wondering why other husbands were showing up on the site, and two others were about sex and the cancer patient.

It was good to see frank discussions about this....mostly about us feeling badly for our husbands that we didn't have any sexual drive, found that sex was painful, and that they were just in this position at all....having a wife who wasn't in good health.  A number of us were quite young...even though I'm not young now, I was when I started out on this journey.

One woman said  that "sex doesn't have to be penetration."  I commented that I "got" that, but because of the lack of estrogen from long term removal of my ovaries, I'm not even really interested...and I feel that I'm sort of cheating my husband.....

Her comment back a little bit later was that we were being selfish and filled with self-pity.  Bull-pucky.  That's not it at all.   I am wistful that things aren't different, and I do feel that my husband has gotten the short end of the stick.  I really feel that she doesn't understand....and she may not have the same issues...there ARE people on that site which are stage III, or haven't had their ovaries removed or whatever....

I also have been struggling with getting people to understand what a stage IV diagnosis means....and that while I have hair, it doesn't mean that I am not fighting cancer.  Trying to get them to understand that we are more inclined than the average patient to feel like "the other shoe is about to drop."   I went to the A Wear Affair, a fund raiser for Noble Circle in Dayton which included a fashion show....as they said the names and the number of years they had "thrived" with cancer....I must admit to feeling a bit jaded as people clapped for people who had had lesser diagnosis or shorter years out....and knowing that there were very few people in the room who really understood and maybe felt the same as I....fortunately, I was sitting with another MBCer.... ah well.....yes, I guess on some days I do feel a little jealous....maybe I'm just getting tired of fighting the battle.

And then there is the desire to get somewhere back on even keel. Wondering if you'll be able to do it...trying to find the "new normal."  Praying that the drugs which are working continue to work and maybe that the pain would go away.


And yah....Adinfinitum sent me a sample of organic lubricant called "Valera."  I have to admit...I'm afraid to use it.....gotta get up the courage....years of pain makes it a little difficult to even think about.....