Life in the Danger Zone

red Stargazer lillies from my garden.  You need smellovision for these!

I have entered what I call the "danger zone."   Often, after completing treatment, cancer patients have a tendency to fall into depression.  They are no longer actively fighting cancer and they feel vulnerable.  I have been through this myself several times (obviously after completing treatment in 1994 and 1998).   I have watched others go through this in addition.  I have seen men and women all of a sudden showing all the signs of a mid-life crisis even though they may be long past "midlife".  Those who are in midlife, often have an even deeper crisis.

I have known several men who were ordinarily solid, stable people suddenly have affairs, buy motorcycles and ride as if the devil himself were behind them.  I guess in a way, the devil IS behind them.

Right now, I am watching for these things in my own life...and doing what I can to guard against it.  I know that if I start seeing symptoms of depression, I will have to do something about it.  Presently, I don't.  I am, however, fighting the thought that it has come back, that the one point rise in my tumor markers is significant (probably not) thinking that the mild discomfort I get periodically in my right side is breast cancer that has metastasized to the liver, and when I sneeze hard enough to blow my head off and it makes my ribs hurt briefly, then it is OBVIOUSLY bone mets in my ribs.  Balderdash.  I have to put on my logical cap and remind myself that this is probably not so, and even it it were, I can't do anything at present about that anyway. 

Meanwhile, my feet and ankles are still swollen (A LOT), my vision is still blurry, my hands and feet are terribly numb...and I still have fuzz on my head.  Of course, I also have spruce pitch on my head from where the weeping spruce which over hangs my goldfish pond brushed me on my head as I messed with the filter.  Blech.  Maybe I should stick some thread on it and call it hair. :)