Monday, September 6, 2010

To Be or not to Be?

Sometimes the outpouring from people can be overwhelming. Sometimes what they say can be hard to take.

For instance, one of my husband's relatives called this summer and asked if they could come down and visit in August. I took a deep breath. This summer is a very busy one for me, not just because of the cancer, but because my daughter a high school senior this year and we had to do the college visits, her senior pictures (which she wanted some in my garden), work around taking our yearly trip to Connecticut, and visiting my parents who are ailing.

I was somewhat taken aback as we've lived in Ohio now for 5 years. Only one family member from my husband's side has ever visited. Only a few friends have as this is considered a "fly over state"--why would you ever want to go there? When we visited them in Connecticut, I started to speak to them about their plans on coming down.

"Oh, well, we only wanted to visit you to see you while you were still you. Since you're here, we can wait to come down for Meg's graduation." Translation: we wanted to see you before you died.

Thanks a lot. I was really taken aback. It was an unthinking way of putting it. You might think that, but please don't say that to my face.

On the one hand, I am not sure how I think about it when people say "You're going to make it, I just know you are." Part of me wants to say "how do you know?" On the other hand, wanting to "see me while I am still me" is a little too dark for me.

So...I guess I want it two ways....I want people to recognize that there is a possibility that I won't survive this, but on the other hand, I want them to think positive thoughts for me.

I don't have the faintest clue how this is going to turn out. I do know though that I am not going to sit around. I'm trying to make some good decisions and take care of somethings now in the event that I don't make it....and I have to admit that some of those things will make life much easier even if I do make it.

And yes, I did buy a new quilt pattern and some fabric the other day. I'm not planning to make an exit anytime soon, and I am going to live my life as I have it with as much grace and panache as I can.


  1. Lisa, I first want to apologize for not keeping up with you and your life. I am ashamed to say that. You reached out to me in am email a long while back, and I was so busy with school and stuff that I let it go without responding. There are no words to express how utterly sorry I am. With tears in my heart Please forgive me.

    I've been Reading through your posts on this blog. I hadn't realized you were again fighting the cancer until a message on Quiltart you mentioned something. You are in my prayers. You are a woman of strength and courage. I love the last paragraph of this blog entry about living your life with grace and panache! You do that.

    I remember having our conversations and waiting to see your Michigoose name come up on my screen in the chatroom. We had some great times in that chatroom.

    It's sad to know that many of us let life get in our way. Without realizing it, we lose out on friendships, good times and a chance to make another person's life brighter, fuller and perhaps easier.

    Will you be making a trip to Montana again soon? If you do, please, let me know. I will certainly make the trip to where ever you are, to see you.
    Prayers and admiration,

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