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| Platypus, borrowed from http://mudfooted.com/platypus-mammal-eggs-bill/ |
Another friend of mine who has advanced ovarian cancer also has commented on this...how it makes her crazy because people DON'T know that you will be OK...in all likelihood, those of us in this boat probably won't be OK. At the very least we will suffer financial set backs, worry, and tons of drugs, hospital visits and procedures.
For many of the people who offer such platitudes, most of the time what they are really saying is what they want for you. This is an affirmation...which is somewhat mystical thinking...the more that we say "you will be OK" then maybe that person will be OK. Sometimes, I have run into people who do have that mystical understanding...in fact I have felt it on occasion when speaking with someone who is undergoing a health issue...I sometimes get the feeling that they will most certainly be OK....but this is entirely unscientific and without foundation...and quite frankly, I am usually afraid to speak of it.
With my cousin, when I see her, she will say "You will be OK." For her, she is saying it to calm herself down as she had breast cancer and finished treatment I think in 2004....so for her, she is absolutely terrified. Our friends and loved ones have difficulty knowing that they could indeed lose us....and so they keep on saying "you'll be OK."
Sometimes, this isn't enough. We as cancer patients NEED people to understand and commiserate with us, even if briefly. Sometimes we need someone to acknowledge our mortality and grieve with us before we go on into battle. I got mad at my husband, because he couldn't do this....it was just too scary for him.
It is a tight rope. You want to be positive for the person....but sometimes, saying "you'll be OK" falls flat. So...perhaps the better thing to say would be "I want you to be well. I hope and pray that you will be OK. And I really wish you weren't going through this. If you shouldn't be OK, I will miss you. I will remember you...and for now, I just love you."
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Love your photograph for this post and the link to the title is priceless! Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteYou make an excellent point. These words were also hard for me to hear when I was diagnosed. Things felt so uncertain, so the words just felt out of place somehow.
You're right about that tight rope. And I like your suggestions, they are much better things to say. Thanks for the post.
Thanks to you for sharing!
DeleteJust to clarify, I meant the words, "you'll be okay" were hard to hear.
ReplyDeleteGood advice, Lisa. I like the alternatives you state.
ReplyDeleteI will have to tell you the absolutely best thing that a friend said to me was when she said she gets an intuitive feeling about people. She said her feeling was that I was going to make it through this. She just felt it deep down. She also said she had a the opposite feeling about a mutual friend who just passed. Call it magical thinking, but I hang on to things like this. I really do know that there are people out there with stage IV cancer that do make it, and I run across more and more of them the longer I am around.
My Uncle was diagnosed 20 years ago Stage IV, sent home with hospice to die. He's still alive today and takes his guitar to sing at nursing homes.
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI have a quick question about your blog, do you think you could e-mail me?
Heather
Heather, I replied through the email which came from blogger, but I think it went no where. I can't email you since you don't have an email posted with your profile on your blog. With my profile set up, you can click on it and it will email me.
DeleteNicely said! I think this article is very good on the "What Not to Say" issue: http://www.caring.com/articles/never-say-to-someone-with-cancer
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. It's always good to see more resources!
DeleteVery well put. I am also tired of hearing that, however well-intentioned it may be. Your alternative suggestions were excellent.
ReplyDeleteLove the picture!
Thank you.
right on the mark, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Margaret! (great name...I even named my child Margaret...women of strength and grace tend to bear that name in my limited experience).
DeleteYes! Why do people feel like they have to fix things by saying stuff that has no basis in reality? Or at the very least, they have no idea is true or not? All they have to say is, "I'm here for you," or "I'm so sorry you're going through this," or "I love you." They don't even need to talk. Maybe just a hug. Can you tell this stuff gets me nuts?
ReplyDeleteYou and a lot of others. I wrote this thinking of the feeling I have had with several of my family members, but more importantly with a dear friend who is fighting ovarian cancer and point blank asked.
DeleteI am hoping that through my post that both parties (the cancer patient and the platypus) can understand where each of us may be....as well as suggest alternatives.
They say this.....because they love us and want to fix us....and this disease has no fix....Hope you don't get too nuts....although I'm rather fond of almonds and Brazil nuts.