Unhinged

This week has left me a little unhinged. The Abraxane seems to be working....at least as well as I can tell. I have been feeling winded, short of breath, which I suspect is the effect of losing significant red blood cells. The red blood cells carry oxygen, so if your counts are low, then you feel tired and out of shape.

The out of shape part is sort of worrying me. In my previous battles, I had been in far better physical shape and therefore had less side effects. I am in pain, in my shoulder and in my chest which I am fairly sure is from the cancerous lesions. Part of me wonders if I can pull out from this as before, I didn't have pain. But then again, my hip doesn't bother me all the time, just when I overwork it, so perhaps there is hope there too.

I will find out what my blood markers when I go in for another treatment tomorrow. I don't think he will check my tumor markers until the day after Thanksgiving. I've been struggling trying to get areas of the garden cleaned up...I can handle only one section a day. My daughter gets after me, but if I don't do it now, I don't know what I'll be like in the spring.

Tomorrow I will drive myself to treatment, as I always did when I was in Connecticut. I think it is easier that way and I will continue to do so as long as I am able. It is difficult to get my family to understand that I am not able to do as much as I want.

I am also a little unhinged as they seem to have developed a sort of hedonistic approach. I keep on hearing the two of them say "Life's short." While I have wanted a new stove (ours is 1989 and while it works ok, it isn't level, has been severely beaten up by previous owners, had pitted and nasty burner pans, and the oven window is obscured by some sort of guck which has become mired in between the layers of glass and I can't clean it. On the other hand, said daughter who got an interview request for the University of Akron based on her essay and application, has yet to call and set the date and keeps on moaning that she doesn't know if she wants to go to Honors College with "all those braniacs." She has very little understanding that she is smarter than the average bear.

Tomorrow, I hope to talk about my adventures in wigdom. Until then, I will leave you with the words of A. A. Milne as voiced by Christopher Robin to Pooh. One of the Batty Binders quilters sent this to me on a fabric post card:

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."