Saturday, November 14, 2009

Survivor Guilt

Sometimes I suffer from what I think might be termed (to some degree) as survivor guilt. Here's what is going on. I'm sort of addicted to Bejeweled on Facebook. My daughter has even snarled at me to get off it and "there are things to help you with that mom".

I find it sort of exhilarating. I want to see how fast I can do it and how I can drive up the numbers. Without a doubt, I've spent hours on this stupid game....and I have other things I could and should be doing.

Here's where the guilt kicks in: this is a useless game and I should be putting my time to better use. I have been given more hours when many of the people I was in treatment with have died. Why should I squander the hours I have and something as mindless and silly as an on-line game? How do I know that I won't be injured, killed, or diagnosed with a recurrence tomorrow and would want back all the time I have spent making three and four gem matches?

Part of me feels very guilty. Another part of me wonders if it really matters... The better part of me wants to conquer this weakness and instill more discipline. I wonder which of the parts will win.

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